Brechtian Docu-shite.

As I begin,I'm still shaking with half stomach mincing horror and half stomach mincing excitement,its happened again,m inspired to write.
This does'nt happen very often,partly because I spend alot of my spare time drunk,wishing I had more spare time but mainly because inspiration only comes to me when a subject has had a profound positive or negative effect on me,and if you've been one of the few doomed souls bored or charitible enough to have read previous eruptions,you will of course have noticed my tendancy to veer towards the latter.
Many people acuse me of being incredibly negative..obviously these people havn't witnessed my inane and overexcitable glee towards an offer of a trip to the zoo or the maniacle enthusiasm towards making mexican food or listening to a song I like.
I explain my actions by introducing the word passion.

–noun
1.
any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.

You may be sat there,asking your computer,why on earth some ginger bint feels it nessesary to induct a word as easlily recognized and understood as this?.Well i have to admit i feel that although its understood it isn't practiced much anymore, in terrified anticipation that somebody might be offended and dissagree.To put it blankly I think most inhabitants of this miserably magnolia new world are sat so furtively on the fence they've got splinters causing gangreen in their colons.
BUT be passionate about what, I hear you cry?(as you scramble madly for the preperation h)
well...
One thing I passionately like is science,everything about it,I like the things it enables us to do,the things it explains without the use of a big floaty beardy man in the sky,I like reading about it, thirstily drinking it in and Im passionately inspired, humbled and in total awe of those that know about it....

One thing I passionately dislike is Steven Berkoff

Imagine my suprise when I turn on the BBC to see the two combined.

BBC 2's Horizon this week was entitled 'To infinity and beyond' and as I sat down beer in hand,ready to be baffled and delighted and challenged on the difficult subject of the maths and physics of infinity,I was suddenly aware that something wasnt right...at first i thought id clicked onto the wrong channel and had stumbled apon an ameteur production of Kafkas Metamorphosis,complete with avant guard lighting,unnessesary dramatic pause,re-dubbed voiceovers and an overall aroma of berets, unusual scarves and self appreciation.Alas I was not mistaken,it was indeed the serious factual science programme I had been looking forward to except without any facts or real science and instead jaunty angles,in black and white of an old bald,slightly nonse-like man quoting the bible through a vocoder....
I was entranced..I believe at one point I even turned to my dad and exclaimed "WHAT? WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS THIS CUNT DOING ON 'ERE?"
All of us im sure have skeletons in the closet,but im afraid mine has a jacobean ruffle round its neck and a copy of fame under its arm.I regret to inform you I studied drama and for a considerable amount of time,well enough time to realise that collating information on 19th century dramatists wasnt getting me nearer to landing my own scetch show. Out of the seven year long shower of shit I was subjected too,out of all the badly assembled productions of the Vagina Monologues and Jim Cartwright plays,out of all the hours spent in a semi-suspended coma where my body was affixed to an uncomfortable chair in a lecture theatre forced to listen to a small man with a speech impediment explaining why we should all get down on our knees and raise our arses in the air as an offering to the supreme deity of Shakespeare and his weirdly worded boring stories about things that dont apply to us anymore, there is still nothing that encites fear or dread into me than the utterance of Steven Berkoffs name.SOOOO many days,so many weeks so much of my valuable adoloesance,that should have been spent experimenting with drugs or narrowly avoiding pregnancys was taken up by this utter utter prick.He was like a semi-imaginary abusive uncle,he'd creep in,just as i was having a good week,whisper some disjointed soliloquay into my ears,leaving me feeling like I needed to call childline but too scared to do so in case he made me read the caucasion chalk circle or practiced 'physical theatre' on me'..so like many victims of abuse I kept quiet and cryed when I got home from college hoping to God I would be shot of him after I graduated..but tonight he turned up again.The absolute bastard.
The thing that has really pissed me off is that my usual reaction apon turning on the telly and finding Berkoff staring back at me with his RADA trained facial expressions from the comfort of his upside down chair in his monochrome living room,would be to change the channel immediately and try not to think about how pretentious the camera angles were,try to block out the swinging lightbulb he'd so cleverly begun swithing on and off for dramatic effect,but i was really interested in the content..I was thirsty for knowledge and so I let uncle Berkoff back another time....
I have now returned from a much needed fag break to realise that my intention of writing a wry yet light hearted critique about a programme that slightly annoyed me has become somewhat difficult to acheive, due a fictional dark memory I have used as an analogy to describe my distaste of the presenter,so I will without haste change direction and get back to the matter in hand.
The entire 'documentary' was based around shots of Berkoff's immodest face in a dark room or walking up some stairs or as I mentioned earlyer,looped soundbites of him quoting genesis,all the time looking perplexingly into the camera and raising his narssisistic eyebrows everytime a question was posed.I mean it was bad enough that the scientists they used when asked "how is that possible?" replyed "how is it not possible?" whilst smiling like a dog pleased with the smell of its own farts and the continual sequences of a monkey sat at a typewriter displaying perhaps the worlds most cliched analogy,but to have all this whilst the king of 'total theatre',whatever the fuck that means,is staring down the screen at you trying desperately to display the importance of semiotics??
why on earth has the guy that played the bad bad guy in Beverly Hills cop been given the task of illuminating the inner most secrets of the cosmos?,what does he even know about science?the BBC are letting a man present a complicated scientific philosophy,that beleives 'sodomised electrons' are falling out of powerlines like 'invisible lead soup' and demonstrating this by smashing toy cows with a hammer? (see this link to another brilliant example of chris morris's genius-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJCxJWwkHdQ)What next?,Colleen Rooney on Question Time unveiling the floors within the education sector?,Peter Andre giving the next Dimbleby lecture?,proffesor Robert Winston highlighting this years forthcoming dubstep floorfillers on channel U?
I say nay
Stop all this fact/fiction, genre busting, open to all- bullshit,just like Marina Hyde so thankfully demonstrated in last weeks Newswipe,celebrities are clouding the media,taking up valuable space from academics,from the people who actualy know what they're talking about.Its going to get to the point where we go into our local GUM clinic for advice on family planning and are horrified to be greeted by John and Edward handing out condoms and reading out chlamydia test results dressed as fucking Ghostbusters.Is that the future you want?,do you want to go in to see your bank manager for an important loan only to find that guy Howard of the adverts is ACTUALLY working there and wont give it because hes too busy building a giant blue x out of lego???? no? well put down that copy of heat you lazy ignorant twat and next time take a copy of 'A Breif History of Time' to the shitter...

xx